I wasn’t even shortlisted for the supervisor job.
My line manager rang with the news last week. It came down to the fact that I lack supervisory experience. I was pretty devastated. I’d worked at least dozen hours of unpaid overtime to keep up with all the extra work piled on me in the absence of a supervisor. Relief staff might have provided an extra pair of hands, but I still felt like I’d been in it alone. If I hadn’t picked up the slack, then the library would have gone pot, and I wasn’t willing to let that happen after all the hard work the previous supervisor and I had put in drag the library into submission the year before.
But I’d failed anyway. It wasn’t fair.
When the candidates were interviewed and the new supervisor appointed, I expected to have to deal with jealousy—possibly even suffocating levels of it. I’d wanted this job so badly, after all.
Strangely, however, all I felt was immense relief.
I realised that I’ve been so distracted with everything that’s been going on at the library that I forgot about the things that matter most. Like my writing life. I haven’t felt like myself at all for the last few weeks. I’ve struggled to start books I’ve been desperate to read, and everything I wrote for SOULBOUND came out wrong.
Of course I was relieved. Not getting the job—and the extra responsibility that goes along with it—meant that I could get back to working toward my goal of being published.
I love my job, please don’t get me wrong. But that’s all it is at the end of the day—a job, a means to an end. I don’t want to work in libraries forever. I want to be a published author.
At the end of all this, I’m actually glad I didn’t get the supervisor job now. I lost sight of what I truly wanted for what I thought I wanted at the time.
But I see clearer than ever now, and know what I need to do.
Yes, yes. I know it’s already January 9th and I’m super late on the bandwagon – what’s new? – but here’s a quick recap of 2012 anyway.
In hindsight, it’s easy to see that 2012 was about self-discovery. I learnt a lot about myself this year and feel as if I’m becoming exactly the woman I want to be. I’m more confident, have developed a clearer sense of self, and most importantly, I feel comfortable in my own skin. I’ve waited years to be able to say that, and it feels so good. Along with that, I don’t feel like I’m playing at being a grown-up anymore. I’m a legit adult. It’s amazing.
This time last year, I would never have dared to apply for the supervisor post at my library. (Currently, my application is pending. I should know by the weekend whether or not I’ve been shortlisted. Fingers and toes crossed.) In fact, I almost didn’t apply for the library assistant back in November 2011 because of the self-doubt.
The highlights of 2012 were:
- Welcoming my sweet nephew, Lucas Ray, and becoming an auntie for the first time
- Meeting Neil, the guy I’m dating
- Having TWO guest posts featured on Pub(lishing) Crawl
- One of those guest posts – So You Think You Want My Job? (Library Assistant) – making it to Joanna Volpe’s Best of Pub Crawl 2012 list. So honoured to be featured!
- Starting as a part-time library assistant
- Blowing out the candles on the incredible Hunger Games birthday cake my mum made me
- Deciding to start writing the fantasy books for teens that I’ve dreamed of my whole life
- Spending a long weekend in the Lake District with family in August for my uncle’s 50th birthday (despite the traumatic event of a restaurant ceiling collapsing on my head one night)
- Finding out I will be an auntie again in February – to a niece this time!
Losing our sweet Ellie in November totally devastated our family. It was the lowest, most difficult point of the year for all of us. Adjusting to life without a dog to come home to has been so hard—and we’re still not there yet. I’m not sure we ever will be. The house just feels so empty. But Ellie isn’t suffering anymore and she’s back with our lovely Cassie, the poodle we lost in April 2011. Knowing that helps some.
Despite Ellie’s passing, 2012 was a wonderful year overall. My family and I have been so blessed this year, and it’s been the platform for many beginnings—new lives, new relationships, new opportunities. I can’t wait to see where 2012 will lead me.